It has come to my attention that the state of humanity can probably be evaluated based on which type of messages are being put into our fortune cookies. Today I had Chinese food for dinner and was lucky enough to get two fortune cookies. My excitement at getting these two cookies was diminished however when I read the fortunes they contained.The First: "All the news you receive will be positive and uplifting."
The Second: "Charity begins in the home, and justice begins next door." (which is actually really funny if you play the "in bed" game, but we'll not go there for the sake of propriety.)
Is this really what it's come to? Lets examine the first one, "all the news you receive will be positive and uplifting." Are you kidding me? I realize that the people writing these fortunes are not prophets, they don't actually know my future and even if they did I'm sure they would have difficulty relaying the message to me via cookie with any sort of accuracy, but you figure that if they're going to try to play us by making us believe they actually know our fortune they'd at least try to make it something that might actually happen. Don't get me wrong, I am an optimist, Romans 8:28 is one of my favorite bible verses and I honestly believe it, but come on. We're in an economic crisis, crime and poverty are at our doorstep (a doorstep which happens to belong to a house with murderous intentions in my case), thousands of unborn babies are killed every day, and I have an unparalleled affinity for Murphy's law. You expect me to believe that all news I hear from here on out is going to put a twinkle in my eye and spring in my step? Being able to see the bright side of all situations doesn't mean that my heart's going to leap at hearing that my cat got run over by a car. And, to make things even better, they didn't put any limits on the fortune in an attempt to make it semi-plausible. No "All the news you receive today" 0r "All the news you receive from friends" just "All news" no deadlines, no stipulations, the sky's the limit, knock yourself out. Thank you, cookie fortune teller, for you blatant and shameless lie, I appreciate your lack of creativity and effort.
But lets move on to fortune number two: "Charity begins in the home, and justice begins next door" This could mean that the best way to make the world a better place is to first strive to treat our families with love and respect and to right the social injustices suffered by our friends and neighbors. . .or it could mean that my parents should give me money because I'm a broke college student and I should seek vengeance on my neighbors for their flagrant crime of not only keeping their Christmas lights up, but keeping them lit day and night for the past six months. (you think I'm kidding, but their Christmas lights are burning as we speak. Fortunately it does make it easy to tell people where my house is.) Either interpretation seems equally plausible due to the vague and ambiguous nature of the fortune.
Fortunately for society, the makers of fortune cookies have started to see the folly of their ways and have chosen to fill the previously blank reverse side of the fortune with valuable information. I am so happy to have the peace of mind that if I am ever in a dire situation in which I desperately need to to know the Chinese word for strawberry I can reach back into the recesses of my memory, recall this fortune, and boldly proclaim "cao mei!" What's more, my lucky numbers are 11, 13, 15, 26, 35, and 40.It is a sad state of affairs when we are being served empty promises and ambiguous proverbs along with our sesame chicken. There was once a time when words of true wisdom were brought to us from the mouths of respected elders, now bastardized versions of them are available for pick up or delivery. Moreover, the idea of fortune cookies has infiltrated many other food products which are now hiding fluffy messages within their wrappings including dove chocolate promises, Starbucks cups, drink lids, tea bags, etc. etc. etc.
If I want deep philosophical advice I can read the bible, the last thing I want is to be confronted with pseudo-intellectual babble about how i 'deserve to indulge in the moment' when all I'm trying to do is make a cup of tea to keep myself awake into the wee hours of the morning so I can do the physics homework I've put off till the last minute. I feel that, rather than serving us useless adages and banal advice, fortune cookies and the like should be filled either with 1.) the quotes of true intellectuals who actually know what they're talking about, or 2.) with practical advice, useful information, or something that is as blatantly superfluous as the fortune cookie itself.
here are some examples:
"If you can read this be thankful for your literacy, if you can't here's a picture: <):) (It's a cowboy!)"
" 'Your' indicates possession in the second person, whereas 'you're' is a contraction of 'you' and 'are' which indicates an action."
"Take this moment to check if your fly is zipped, if it is good job. If it's not, you're welcome." (note the correct use of your and you're)
"If you live in a glass house, wear pants." "Four cups of coffee a day has been proven to drastically reduce the risk of heart disease."
"Don't bother to see Avatar unless you have the desire to watch Pocahontas reenacted with half-nude blue people and three times as much political propaganda."
"This paper is made of 70% recycled material."
"St. John's Wart can speed the metabolism of many prescription medications; rendering them less effective."
"Kangaroos are, in fact, very strong swimmers."
"Smiling, even if it's a fake smile, releases endorphins which make you happier. If you still have trouble smiling despite this fact, here's something to help: What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinoceros? Elefyno (say it out loud if you don't get it. . .if you still don't get it say it with a British accent)" (this one will have to be in a very small font. )
and finally,
"This is a toast to my friend Amanda May. You probably don't know her, but she's really cool."
Deo Omnis Gloria
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