While it is widely accepted that the makings of a truly good song include meaningful lyrics, compelling instrumentals and a certain amount of aurally pleasing vocals, the fact is that not everyone is capable of doing this. Fortunately for the masses who do not actually posses exceptional musical talent, we live in a relativistic culture where sex sells and success is gaged not by talent or integrity, but by how many people are willing to feed your bank account. In this light it is not necessary to create good songs to be a successful musician, per se, but rather to trick people into liking your music long enough to get a record deal and make a raunchy music video. The added beauty of this technique is that you don't even need to spend time learning to play an instrument, you can simply have a computer generate the entire background of the song for you. With any luck you'll jump to the top of the charts for two weeks, create a morally questionable video that will offend enough people to become one of the top watched videos on YouTube, be able to ride the coat tails of your first big hit for a number of months with some subsequent minor hits, fade into obscurity, make a comeback after a number of years, have a few more hits complete with raunchy videos, and if you're lucky, close out your career on a VH1 show with 8 other b-list celebrities.
After much thought over the past 10 minutes I have discovered an almost fool-proof formula to creating songs that will appeal to the masses of our generation.
The variables: A. an intense, steady beat. B. arbitrary rhyming schemes. C. single word repetition D. (double points)-unconventional instruments (including but not limited to accordion, banjo, harmonica, washboard, etc. also, singing styles that allude to alternate cultures such as yodeling or Tibetan chant will also work) E. Replacement of letters in the artist's name with a symbol (substitution of "s" for "z" at the end of a word is also acceptable) F. Incorporation of spiced-up versions of popular songs belonging to another genre - this is genius in that it borrows the success of actually talented musicians to promote the popularity of your song
The Formula: (variable A) + any combination of at least 2 of variables B-F + auto-tuning in the likely case that the artist is not vocally talented
The effect of employing this formula is anywhere from 2.5-4 minutes rhythmic hypnosis in which people are so distracted by the steady beat that they fail to notice both the song's lack of substance and the fact that they're being brainwashed into buying the album. or at least downloading it illegally from limewire.
Case in point:
9 of the 20 top selling songs on Itunes as of January 1 2011:
Dynamite - Taio Cruz (A+B+C)
DJ Got us Falling in Love -Usher (A+B+C)
We r who we r - Ke$ha (A+B+C+E)
Raise your glass - P!nk (A+C+E)
Stereo Love- Edward Maya (A+D)
Tonight I'm Loving You -Enrique Iglesias (A+D (successful use of yodeling))
Black & Yellow - Wiz Khalifa (A+B+C)
The Time (Dirty Bit) - Black Eyed Peas (A+C+F)
Please don't go-Mike Posner (A+C)
Employing this technique, I will now create a blog that will sky-rocket to success despite it's lack of substance.
First brainwashing technique: setting the "lyrics" of this blog to the tune of popular songs from the list above
L!fe on Plum $treet double points for transposition of two letters with symbols
I came to write. write. write. write. write. one word reps.
My house tries to kill me, that's my plight. plight. plight. plight. initiate arbitrary rhyme scheme
you want to read this blog all night. night. night. night. cue stage 1 of hypnosis
I throw my blog out on the web sometimes sayin "Hey-oh, got something to say-oh."
So read read like it's the best best blog you've ever seen seen. Cause baby tonight, this blog has got me surfing the web again. continuation of hypnosis disguised in one word repetition
Won't you come on and come on and read this blog, if your bored and don't want to think much
All my college friends,
this blog will never be never be anything but random
and arbitrary.
Why so serious?
*Cue accordion solo!*
Deo Omnis Gloiria
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